Conflict can bring about intense emotions and has the potential to be very uncomfortable for those involved. What’s more, two people involved in a disagreement may have very different conflict styles, such as one person who is assertive with their views or another who would prefer to run away and hide.
Successfully navigating through conflict, though, is important for growth to occur within relationships. The key is to learn how to communicate in positive and productive ways.
There are many strategies that we can put in place to improve our conversations during moments of tension and disagreement. With practice, our disagreements can become more productive and lead to outcomes that help get your needs met while developing a better understanding of the other person’s perspective.
How can you do this? Barbara Griswold, LMFT, offers a list of 22 “fair fighting rules” that you can implement overtime to make your conflicts more productive and kind. The following are five examples of how to fight fair:
- Ask yourself why you are upset. If your partner left their dirty dish at the table, are you upset that the dish was left there or is this a symptom of a deeper problem, such as feeling like you are taking on an unequal share of household responsibilities?
- Focus on one issue at a time. It can be easy to go from discussing household responsibilities to the need for more intimacy. Instead of letting the conversation snowball, keep the spotlight on one issue so you can work through the problem and solve it together.
- Avoid name calling or character attacks. Using negative language to describe the person you are in conflict with, such as “lazy” or “crazy”, can hurt their self-esteem and lead to more name calling, leading you both away from the core issue.
- Turn your complaints into specific requests. Statements like “I would really like more help loading the dirty dishes into the dishwasher” or “I would appreciate it if you called me when you’ll be home late from work” gives your partner a more solid understanding of what you need.
- Thank your partner for participating in tough conversations. Your partner will often feel more open to having tough discussions again if they feel heard and appreciated, even if the problem wasn’t yet resolved.
To see the full list of fair-fighting rules, download the Fair Fighting Rules PDF here.